What preparing for a holiday taught me about myself

The day before I was due to fly to Durban with my guide dog I felt very low in energy. It didn't make sense because I was looking forward to spending time with my family. We would be staying at a house on a large plot in the Drakensberg mountains with opportunities for long walks. Yet I could barely find the motivation to pack my suitcase and gather the knitting projects I would be taking with me.

The book that got me thinking

At the time, I was reading Insanely Gifted: Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel by Jamie Catto. It encourages readers to pay attention to their feelings and, in particular, the things that trigger their emotions. The idea is that we all have many identities locked up within ourselves, many of which we don't like to acknowledge because they are socially unacceptable or even malevolent. If we deny them, they can surprise us by manifesting in the midst of stress.

I considered my reluctance to pack for holiday and what shadowy identity may be responsible. Perhaps, I thought, it was my inner hermit, wanting to be by myself and not share my time or possessions with others. But that didn't quite satisfy, so I kept pondering the question as I travelled.

A thought-provoking interview

My sister and I were in the car, driving to the Drakensberg, when an interview came up on a BBC Women's Hour podcast. It featured a female wrestler named Heather Bandenburg who spoke eloquently about her choice of sport. In contrast to the message girls get about not taking up too much space and being quiet, she said, wrestling lets her express her aggressive side and become her own superhero. Her story intrigued me. She spoke about what she called "free fighting", which is like wrestling for the pleasure of using your body, not necessarily training for competition. I thought of what it would be like to wrestle. Unexpectedly, the idea appealed, not because I wanted to be a wrestler but because I wanted to be physically strong.

It had been years since I had done any strenuous physical exercise. A decade earlier, I had walked with a fitness club and been in good shape, but too much sedentary activity, writing books and knitting for charity, had made me lose all that. Now it frustrated me that I was so weak and flabby. I thought of the way my jeans used to slide over my hips and wished I could get back my toned body.

Unable to hike the hills

Our time in the Drakensberg was wonderful, but the only walks I did were from the house to the dam with Tango on her harness. Meanwhile, my cousins and their young children climbed up mountain trails and came back exclaiming about the views. I didn't care so much about the views but I did care about not being able to venture far from the house.

It was then that the realisation of what my unacknowledged need or desire was. I wanted, even needed, to roam free.

Hidden identity

Buried deep inside me was the identity of a wild woman. I pictured myself astride a galloping horse with my hair flying out behind me in the wind. In my imagination, the setting resembled the moors in England, the setting of so many of the books I'd loved as a child. That woman had been forgotten for years, thanks to my belief that it was impractical for me to ride. But that didn't mean I couldn't allow her to come forth and tell me what she wanted.

Jamie Catto encourages his readers to befriend the dark characters within themselves and try to integrate their strengths. For some, this might mean incorporating the violence of their inner barbarian into producing action movies. For another, it could mean expressing the neediness of their inner victim in songs about lost love. It is always possible to find a creative way to vent dark impulses once you recognise them.

This is my experience. It took me years to rediscover the wild woman inside me. I was so accustomed to thinking of myself as introverted, bookish and avoidant of physical exertion that I was literally baffled when my cousin said she remembered me as an active, engaged child. Yet, when I thought about it, I had to agree. My childhood was spent playing adventure games, like exploring on pretend horses, participating in cross-country events and tracking baddies through the forest. Swimming, camping and building forts also featured strongly, as did play-acting and climbing trees.

Getting reacquainted with wildness

As soon as I acknowledged this forgotten part of myself, my energy began to flow strongly. It was as if a whole area of my life had been cut off and was now reconnected. Like water flowing out of an open tap, ideas poured forth. Things I had never even considered to be possibilities suddenly revealed themselves as available and accessible. Not only did my inner wild woman step forward out of the shadows, but she let it be known she was determined to express herself.

Thus began a new phase of my life dedicated to physical strength and bravery. Blindness would be a hindrance but certainly not a barrier. My soul was adamant; I had to pursue this direction if I wanted to be happy and fulfilled. Perhaps, next time I pack for holiday and include riding boots and a helmet, I will feel the exact opposite of low energy.