This won't be a blog post for everyone. If you are familiar with the MBTI [Myers-Briggs Type Indicator] and have struggled to type yourself thanks to years of personal growth work, you may, however, find it both interesting and useful.
The problem with personal growth work is that you are intentional about developing certain personality traits that you perceive to be weak. This can lead to an emphasis on activities which exercise a weaker function. Gradually, you get stronger in that area, which makes it hard to remember that it was ever as weak as it was. That is what happened to me.
Being in lockdown has corrected this leaning. Admittedly, there were other reasons for me spending more time at home, not least the fact that I had back surgery in march, but I think it's safe to say that lockdown offers great opportunities for getting to grips with your core nature. You are restricted in your choices. You have a certain degree of freedom when it comes to how you spend your hours inside. You have fewer distractions to take you out of yourself, forcing you to face up to your real longings and fears. All these factors tend to bring your natural strengths to the fore, while throwing your natural weaknesses into deep shadow.
Up until a month ago, I was convinced I was an INTP on the Myers-Briggs system. Now I know that I am an INTJ, just as I was told back in 2005 when I did the official test. My doubts about that result stemmed from the fact that I was in therapy at the time, dealing with the question of who I was and what I actually stood for. i was struggling to adjust to diminishing eyesight in the midst of a rapidly-changing world. Nothing seemed certain any longer, least of all my integrity as a person, so how could I accept the test results on face value?
The intervening years have seen me engaging in all sorts of activities, including novel-writing, studying various wisdom traditions, travelling, acting and scriptwriting, prayer guiding, counselling, publishing and marketing, charity knitting, gardening, writing to penpals, horse-riding and podcasting. In everything I attempted, my aim was always to experiment, learn and integrate my learnings. Over time, this process became more and more habitual. Eventually, I took it for granted that doing a bit of this and a bit of that was fundamental to who I was.
But this changed when the country shut down and the threat of the COVID-19 pandemic grew. An episode of the Personality Hacker podcast suggested that difficulties in typing oneself can be resolved by reviewing one's life story, so I did the exercise. What emerged was fascinating to me. Here is a short summary of what I found, followed by the revelation that puts everything in its proper place.
When I was young, I naturally Took a stance of observation and learning. Shy and thoughtful, I watched others interact and made notes of what worked well or caused problems. For example, I noticed that children who misbehaved in class annoyed the teacher and got punished, whereas children who conformed with the teachers instructions one approval and got rewarded. Thus, I learnt that conscientiousness insured safety and favour. The habit of observation and learning stood me in good stead throughout my formative years so that I became strong in the skill of pattern-recognition and predicting outcomes.
As I entered my teens, I began excelling in school more than before; this in spite of not being able to read what was written on the blackboard. Having already learnt how to pay attention, I honed my listening skills and applied myself to getting good results. Working hard and achieving good marks became important to me because I viewed it as a path to playing a useful role in the world.
Thus, my dominant function of introverted intuition [pattern-recognition] and secondary function of extroverted thinking [application of principles] were established. In the MBTI system, functions always occur as polarities, so it was inevitable that I would develop introverted feeling and extroverted sensing as my tertiary and inferior functions as time went on. And so I did.
In my thirties, I entered a phase of creativity and self-expression that is typical of introverted feeling. I joined a church band, wrote songs, performed in a couple of local events and even arranged a town-wide choral festival to bring the various language groups together in song. I also began writing for a local newspaper, edited a church magazine and started work on a book. Had anyone asked me at the time how I would describe myself, the words "creative" and "artistic" would have come up prominently. However, i know now that those characteristics only flourished as they did because of the very safe, family-oriented setting I was in. I've never been one to demand attention as an artist or sacrifice comfort for the sake of expressing myself.
In my forties, as a result of relocating, my involvement in the church decreased and my circle of friends shrank. I focused on homemaking and began knitting again. My husband and I Took our children to Disney World and Colorado, and travelled the following year to Ireland. A couple of years later, I joined a church tour to Egypt and Israel. This was an exciting time, allowing me lots of sensory experiences in the company of people who knew my physical limitations and looked out for me.
Introverted feeling [self-expression] thus developed as my tertiary function, balancing my secondary function of extroverted thinking [application of principles]. When I work too hard at getting things done in the outside world, I can relax into creative pursuits like journalling, fiction writing and home decorating. However, this is the place where I can easily become too comfortable and secure, a situation which can make me lethargic or complacent if I'm not careful. My inferior function of extroverted sensing [living in the moment] balances my dominant function of introverted intuition and is essential for keeping me grounded. When I spend too much time in my head, observing the way things happen and trying to construct models for growth, trends and other time-based processes, it provides a way to connect with reality with all its flaws. Being the weakest of my four functions, however, extroverted sensing cannot be relied upon to make sound judgements or pay attention for long periods. i've learnt to use it judiciously to avoid over-stimulation and panic attacks.
In my fifties, I explored personality models in depth, focusing on the Enneagram and the MBTI. To my dismay, this only led to more confusion because my inner motivations seemed so many and varied. What I didn't know at the time, but which I now understand, is that I had moved into what Jungian psychologists call "shadow work". The shadow is the unconscious dimension of the personality. In MBTI theory, there are four functions in the shadow which are aligned exactly like those in the conscious mind, except that they are in the opposite attitude. This means that introverted functions in the conscious mind show up as extroverted functions in the shadow, and vice versa.
This explains why I sometimes feel so compelled to question all my values. Extroverted intuition [experimentation] is the shadow of my dominant function. Its aim is to cast doubt on my core beliefs. Unwittingly, I have allowed this saboteur to plague me with uncertainty and self-doubt in the hope that it would make me more open-minded and compassionate. Not so. I need to practise resisting the impulse to second-guess myself when my intuition speaks.
Insight into the shadow functions also explains why I sometimes entertain such critical thoughts about my work in the world. Introverted thinking [data analysis] is the shadow of my secondary function. Its aim is to undermine my attempts to make a difference in the world by pointing out how little I really know. When I buckle to this inner critic's insistence on thorough preparation, I suffer paralysis. I need to remember that "done is better than perfect" and act with the information I have.
So much of this knowledge is already embedded in my psyche. My strong faith background made me extremely wary of temptation, attack and other kinds of assaults from the powers of darkness. However, relocation and a broadening of my horizons brought instability, and instability made it hard to know what pieces belonged where. Now that I have gained some insight into my conscious and unconscious mind, I feel more equipped to move forward. If you have experienced similar confusion on your journey through change, I wish you similar revelation on your way.
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